Collisions with pedestrians:

• The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.
• The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
• I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.  
• I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.
• I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.

• I knocked over a man but he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked down before.  

 

Collisions with other vehicles:

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
• My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
• When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
• I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
• The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
• I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
• I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
• The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
• The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (Her vehicle pushed his through the intersection).
• I was driving along the motorway when the police pulled me over onto the hard shoulder. Unfortunately I was in the middle lane and there was another car in the way.
• First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.
• My car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.
• The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.
• It was snowing heavily so I took the safe option and called a taxi. When it arrived it skidded on my icy driveway into my parked car.

 

Single vehicle collisions (sva's) and injuries: 

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
• I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
• As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
• In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
• I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
• I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
• I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
• A Norwich Union claimant had collided with a cow. The claim form read:

Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn.

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

• Driving under a bridge there was a large thud followed by a white creature rolling down my windscreen.  I was later told that a lorry had swerved on the overpass and lost one of its' sheep.
• I left my dog in the car briefly, while I went into the newsagent for a paper. When I emerged my car had vanished. I asked another customer if he'd seen anything and he pointed, saying:  "Ah yes... I saw a dog driving it down that hill".
• Q: What gear were you in at the time of the accident?  A: Reeboks and Wranglers.

 

Who's to blame? You decide! 

• No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
• I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend, riding pillion, reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
• I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
• On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
• The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
• Windshield broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
• No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
• I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
• The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
• The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
• I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.  
• Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?                      A: Travelled by bus?

• A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
• I told the other idiot what he was and went on.
• I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other one.
• I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.
• If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened. 

   

Finished laughing yet?!

Please remember, some but not all of these claims are American, or in one case Australian.
The remainder are sharing a road with you.....

.....NOW ISN'T THAT SCARY?